Today is they day, i think, for a nervous breakdown.
Firstly, Siobhan, you are right, james is a bastard, so far this week he has told me i look like crap, i am rubbish in bed, and i am immature, but he is so charismatic that i didn't notice until the final straw today.
I said to him that i was eating chocolate mousse with my fingers, and generally one would expect a rather dirty reply to that involving varieties of places the chocolate mousse could be put. What did he say?
"you'll get fat."
"and that would be a shame."
This is completely and totally unacceptable. I have been so so worried about my weight all term, as it kept going down, and yet every time i looked in the mirror i was disgusted by how fat i looked. This at least has made me realise that I am not fat, I am not getting fat, I am not even close. Yes, i do not have a completely flat stomach, and my thighs are not rock solid, but you know what? That's not because there is too much fat on them, its because there is too little muscle to keep them solid. I do not need egotistical, misogynistic man whores telling me I will get fat when I am quite blatantly not even close.
I also do not need someone who would spend the whole evening draped over someone else who he is 'just friends' with despite knowing perfectly well how jealous it makes me, and someone who looks bored whenever in my presence when i am fairly sure that i cannot possibly be that boring (as no one else in the conversation looks bored).
And you know what? If someone looks like shit because they have just spent the last two weeks throwing up, having ear infections and attempting to cough up their lungs, its generally considered polite not to comment on it. Everyone else managed it as, funnily enough, i kinda already knew. Anyway, i didn't look that bad, and i had obviously made an effort to look good.
Thing is tho, I dont want to hate him. I have spent so long so emotionally attached to him that it is so so difficult to just let it fade away, and despite knowing that he is a complete bastard i still love him, because he is still charismatic and masculine and funny and he is so complimentary when he wants to be (tho this week he obviously doesn't).
And so i currently love him, hate him and am trying desperately to just feel nothing about him all at the same time. It was somewhat easier to just love him and get hurt all the time I think....
So, second reason for nervous breakdown, i have my design report deadline tomorrow and have barely started and its worth 60% of the course, This is not good. I would somewhat like to pass second year, and at the moment its not happening. I haven't been to a lecture in over a month now I think. So tomorrow after the report is handed in i think i shall go down the the disability centre and get formally tested for dyslexia and dispraxia and all that sort of thing and see there is any way i can get help with my concentration and memory (which may possibly be dyslexia related) as its getting completely out of hand now and i just dont know if I can manage it alone.
There, that was a nice rant. It is useful to have a blog sometimes, because now i might stop thinking enough to get a nap in before i go up to kings at 8.
So, to summerise, Oh god my world has gone up the fluffer.